pictor quod scriptor

the question

2011-05-04T20:08:00.000+02:00

oneday

will we look back?

when all the blood has been shed

and the widows have ceased weeping

and no mother holds vigil for a son far from home

will we see, still

the sides we blindly picked

separated by barriers our hands built

following leaders our voices chose

will we regret?

the forgotten

2011-03-23T20:14:00.004+02:00

and all she had left

was the residue

of his lingering

fingertips.

lost

inside a memory

of a far-away dream

she thinks

she once-upon-a-time

maybe

had.

unscripted

2011-03-14T21:03:00.000+02:00

when you know

how long

there is to go

(until the happy ending)

it's that much easier

to sit through

the wait.

truths in sans serif

2011-02-28T10:06:00.003+02:00

instead she said:

i used to

be a

writer

before

i was one.

and now that i

one

i'm not."

redemption

2011-02-22T14:32:00.000+02:00

And when, at last, she stood there in front of him, it seemed her light would fill his world and banish the Dark he'd known so long. Pierce his weary heart, and allow him to feel. But still he resisted, resolute, not daring yet to dream.

"I will not be good for you," he said.

"No," she replied, and held out her hand. "But maybe I will be good for you."

the phoenix

2011-01-31T20:09:00.006+02:00

i wonder if you knew.

about

the

revolution

in your bone-shards

the freedom. from your empty veins

the hope. etched below your skin

the future

beyond your feet.

i wonder if

(and hope that)

when your world went up in flames

you knew

that yours

was not

the kind of dust that

settles.

but ember-seeds

from which this tree of new life

would spring.

[*remembering him]

the dance

2011-01-24T17:31:00.000+02:00

and you knew

if we paused for a moment

i'd feel it

there

in the soft lilting lows

in the rising pitches

in the grand crescendos

your steady beat

(heart)beat

my score

the fairytale

2011-01-15T00:23:00.000+02:00

was

different,

somehow

yet

all that had changed

was that

this time

she

believed.

the promise

2010-12-31T17:55:00.002+02:00

remember

last year

this time

when all of that mattered?

think about

next year

this time

when none of this will.

keepsakes

2010-12-25T17:06:00.002+02:00

the song was now tied to her

to the thought. the memory. the sound. the feel.

the scent. the

touch

her.

and after today. after what came next

he knew he'd never be able to listen to it.

not even the chords of it

ever

again.

the apology

2010-12-06T00:32:00.008+02:00

You knew it was selfish when you said the words

and you felt them drop

echoing hollowly

in the chasm you'd created

And for all that you expected the emptiness,

there were still mascara stains on your pillow that night.

But you'd say those words again if you had to.

Because sometimes, it's not about dealing.

It's about finding a way to let go.

of tao and te

2010-11-30T12:44:00.004+02:00

they wandered along

winding corridors. hidden passageways

losing their footing

stumbling...

until they stopped

waited

listened

let their eyes see beyond the darkness in front of them.

and then they knew

that even though they were lost,

they were somewhere.

and in that, they found they were free.

signal failure

2010-11-22T18:37:00.006+02:00

she tried. again. to find the words

but they were lost.

like she was back then

like they were to each other now

and the clocks ticked on

and the time passed by

until suddenly it was too late.

she knew the words wouldn't fit

even if she happened to find them

she knew he couldn't hear her from a world and a lifetime away

the regret

2010-11-15T10:58:00.003+02:00

And now you're hiding.

eyes screwed up tight, tighter

fingers jammed into your ears

leave me alone!

But the memories won't be blinded, and you can't deafen the screaming when it's coming from within. And you know you made these choices, you chose the path that lead you here.

And you can't run away from yourself.

how flowers bloom from pavement cracks

2010-11-10T12:49:00.004+02:00

these words may break in

places. they may

jar and

stop.

they may not always make much sense.

but they always mean something

they mean a depth. an honesty. a resilience. a

hope.

they mean that even when there is

nothing

left

there is still the penchant to

pick up this pen and

say so.

when the storyline began

2010-11-01T12:48:00.001+02:00

sometimes, my memory forgets

the lines between the years blur

and there we were (are?)

a hazy snap-shot

hand-in-hand

my pigtails and your mary-janes

leonardo and april

sunburnt on the beach while the fire keeps you warm

and the same song playing in both our backgrounds

my memory forgets

that ours is a new chapter, only recently begun

and your name should not appear on those early pages

and yet, there it is

in a different book

in a different place

in a different time

but somehow

it's the same story.

when learning to fly

2010-10-25T18:27:00.000+02:00

fall.

but not like you have before.

fall to find your depth,

to reach the flow that is stronger than you,

that is the true purpose of You.

be like the rain

falling downwards

soaring towards the sea

the ball and chain

2010-10-21T23:06:00.000+02:00

And there were choices to make.

There was the blissful carefreeness of it all,

the weight of no world but my own,

burdened by no day-to-day pattern,

bound to no wretched routine.

But it was empty.

And the emptiness had to be filled.

And so I chose this shackled path.

Better bound,

than alone.

the fighting of the dawn

2010-10-11T21:45:00.003+02:00

tomorrow

this sun will set

this sky will fade and

life will use our plans to push us far apart.

but for now. for tonight

can we just sit here

can we sail together on this ship along De-nial

the words that aren't good-bye

2010-10-05T13:58:00.001+02:00

At the parting of the ways

we turned

paused

listened a while

fading echoes of

the laughter

the whispers

the tears

the promises

the moments that brought us to this one.

Our paths are different now

and where you go I cannot come

but here in this moment

the lifetime we shared

is infinite.

parenthesis

2010-09-28T15:13:00.003+02:00

histories aren't made

in years

in months

in days

in minutes

histories aren't even made in moments.

they're made here

in between the moments

in words. unsaid but felt.

in smiles. subtle but understood.

in dreams. unexplained but always shared.

that's where the histories of us were made

and that's where, engraved in time, you must know they will stay

but that was just a dream

2010-09-21T14:41:00.000+02:00

and we didn't say a word

and we didn't do a thing

and the world just swarmed around us

becoming a distant, hazy blur

and your thoughts echoed in my ears

and your fingers traced along my skin

and your arms were there to steady me

even before i knew i would fall

the insignificance

2010-09-15T22:35:00.000+02:00

"But I'm afraid," she whispered.

"They did not care when I was here; they will not notice when I'm gone."

So you stayed a while, and fought the Loneliness.

And when you left, she was no bigger than before. But the shadows she stepped out of had diminished.

moving forward is the only way back

2010-09-02T21:24:00.003+02:00

it's not how you come back from this that counts.

it's how you leave.

what you choose to carry with you

it's who you are

who you'll always be

in this moment

that will make every other moment still to come.

the prism

2010-08-26T01:17:00.001+02:00

And when the world starts to fade

and the fiery reds burn to ash

and you can't see the colours anymore

Understand.

That it's not the world that's fading

but you that's standing in the light.

if left unread, this ink will fade

2010-08-13T21:37:00.004+02:00

and all she was now

(all she'd ever been)

was a line

in a story

on a page

of a book

on a shelf

in a room

that was locked.

and he knew he'd never have the key.

stage one: denial

2010-08-06T13:14:00.001+02:00

Inside of my head, we talk for hours.

All day, and well into the night.

Converse about everything and nothing, stupid non-events, stupider co-workers.

Whisper the dreams we're still scared to believe in.

And we laugh.

So much laughter.

It's just so easy, you know, because that's how it always was.

We never ran out of things to say.

So we just keep sharing.

The connection's still so strong.

Inside of my head.

Of course, every morning I wake up.

And you didn't call.

And you don't miss me.

But we'll talk about that soon, I know.

Inside of my head.

what we lose along the way

2010-07-28T09:26:00.003+02:00

back then

a sandpit was your oasis

a dirt road, your wild west

an old tyre, the 4x4 you would use to cross the world

now you have

your island holidays

your flashy cars

your shiny new toys

your things.

now you've bought your dreams-come-true

but really. you've sold [out on] the dream.

the things they'll never see

2010-07-21T19:30:00.001+02:00

You saw Me when I couldn't.

My sight is clear now,

so let me show you You.

the memento

2010-07-14T13:33:00.005+02:00

he still remembered every detail

the way the water looked

the way the trees tilted in the slight summer breeze

the way, for once, even the hoards of tourists didn't vex her

the way those books smelt.

and now he's alone. but the memory still takes him there.

when the waters move

when the trees dance

when the tourists laugh. and their cameras flash.

when he falls upon a random page

and the scent is like a portkey back

aftermath

2010-07-08T21:46:00.000+02:00

She hesitated there, unsure if she could go on.

You stood silently behind, watched her battle the fear. And when the victory came, it was all you could do not to follow.

but...

2010-07-04T16:58:00.002+02:00

I'm not attached to you.

I'm just attached

to your attachment to me.

the error

2010-06-29T18:49:00.024+02:00

There was Darkness,
for a while.

And I lost my way.

Beneath my feet the

ground was gone

The earth was spinning

(faster, FASTER)

I fell.

I didn't think you'd find me.

the misstep notes

2010-06-23T09:18:00.002+02:00

maybe it's not that we sing different songs.

maybe our words are exactly the same

but we just play them to a different beat.

where i'm slow, you're fast

where i'm whimsical, you're strong

where i linger and pause, you rush far ahead

and where we could make beautiful music

we get stuck.

in a clinking. clanging. banging. mess.

dissolving this would-be symphony

into a hum of cluttered riffs

eclipse

2010-06-08T00:44:00.001+02:00

She paused for a moment, delicately perched between what Was and what Would Be. So fragile, she seemed; a wee wisp of rainbowcloud dreams, a lifetime yet to begin living.

But the Light shifted and you glimpsed, in that fleeting shadowmotion, the steelfrost core at the center of the dream.

And when the Light returned, she was gone.

the outskirts of us

2010-05-28T17:27:00.002+02:00

she thinks about the first time she met him, and how she thought she saw something there behind his eyes

the spark

the soul

the one

but now she looks at him again and sees it was only a mirrored reflection she mistook for a sign.

it was only him-looking-at-her that made the light

and now that he looks away

his world is darkness

but with a blindness even he can't see.

the choice

2010-05-17T17:14:00.003+02:00

so i have

to let go

because

if i stay now

not knowing

if you'll stay with me

there may come a day

when

i won't be able

to find

my way back

alone

the castle in the sky

2010-05-11T21:39:00.002+02:00

sometimes we

miss what's right in front of us.

especially if we're always

straining our eyes

constantly

looking towards the horizon.

looking for things we

know will never come.

instead of

reaching out and

holding onto

the ones we

already have.

the mistake

2010-05-04T22:47:00.003+02:00

There's a moment when you can't remember how you got here.

Why you came here at all. Did you make these choices?

So much easier when there's someone else to blame.

But you're standing here, so you must have. And now you can't quite remember how to breathe.

But there's nowhere else to go.

the light that is.

2010-04-29T21:25:00.002+02:00

I know we're not there yet. I know that there is still darkness ahead. That there are barriers. And obstacles. And people who will try and stop us.

But I also know that there is a path through all of that. That the island of dreams looms just beyond the invisible distance. And that right now, somewhere, the sun is rising.

the dream

2010-04-20T17:34:00.000+02:00

some days

you just want to

float along the swirling waters

drift away on a wisp of silvery cumulonimbus

only to return

with fragments of stardust in your tangled hair

and the fading sunhaze lost too far behind your eyes

afterwards

2010-04-14T22:02:00.003+02:00

she came back looking for her chalked-on pavement fairytales,

merry-go-round horses and

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

dreams.

but this time the story ended before she had time to jump.

only the rain came down.

melting sunshines and rainbows into the grey cement floors that cracked beneath her feet.

the freedom

2010-04-07T21:30:00.003+02:00

I'm afraid of the loneliness
if you leave.

But the truth is, I'll be lonelier if you stay.

the long way home

2010-04-01T15:06:00.003+02:00

There's a lot that stands between us now.

Years and time

Distance and space

God and science

Expectations.

And even though we no longer look the same

I still have your hands

And maybe that will count

One day

When we both need to reach out and hold onto something real.

the way out

2010-03-25T17:36:00.000+02:00

Oneday, they came to a hidden room, packed full of the words they used to exchange. Most were old, softened, worn in all the familiar, comfortable places. And the soft light of a lifetime shared lingered, warming even the deepest shadows.

"How did these get here?" he wondered.
"It doesn't matter," she replied. "We won't need them where we're going."

the reality

2010-03-14T18:44:00.001+02:00

We're making a graveyard together, you and I.

For all the messages you're not sending
And all those hours we're not speaking.
A silent tombstone for every day we're not connecting.

Do you believe in resurrection?

those rocks that melt away

2010-03-08T00:10:00.001+02:00

sometimes, there are people who leave your life to carry on down the roads they must take. but still, they stay with you, in that special aortic crevice carved out just for them. but othertimes, there are those who stay with you while they leave. detaching. slowlysilently. one string. one notch at a time. taking one step forward but two steps back. going before you can say gone. and leaving in seeming flash, when there's no longer a safety-line you could grip to help you stop the fall.

two sides

2010-03-03T23:54:00.005+02:00

She fiddles with the bowl of sugar cubes in front of her, thinking

'If happiness could be cubed and packaged into bite size bits like these, life would be a better place.'

He pushes the sugar bowl away, taking a sip from his steaming cup of double espresso, thinking 'Some things are just better dark and bitter.'

the return

2010-02-25T22:33:00.001+02:00

"Your journey will be long," you told her. "You will face many dangers. Some, you will overcome. But the Dark holds much that is Unknown."

"How will I find my way back Home?" she wondered.

"Perhaps you'll no longer want to," you replied.

You couldn't tell her that you were still searching.

And that there weren't any signs.

just not yet

2010-02-21T14:34:00.002+02:00

one day, we'll sit beside our flower beds and watch the birds make homes from our trees

one day, we'll be happy with the lives we got to live

the shores that welcomed us

the broken hearts we patched and mended

the smiles and hopes we found

the memories we made into moulds that still hold us

one day when this is over.

and all that's left is a courtyard of windows

and the two of us watching our memoirs float on by

the fear

2010-02-15T20:08:00.001+02:00

She pushed open the door, and peered into the Dark.

"I can't see you," she whispered.

(She couldn't remember why you took away her Light, and left her there, faltering.)

"You promised I'd find you here."

(She didn't know you were afraid.)

The door shut quietly behind her.

And you were the one left alone.

beneath it all

2010-02-07T23:49:00.003+02:00

The leaves will rust. And they will fall.

They will crumble. And they will die.

They will become part of the earth that bore them.

Just as you and me.

There's a pattern to this madness, if we just could take a look.

There's a circle at the centre. And a meaning to the end.

We just haven't got there yet.

the stories we tell ourselves

2010-01-31T06:04:00.001+02:00

I wear this letter around my neck because I need a bit of you to hold onto. And I know it's just reaching. Reaching into nothingness and trying to make alchemy out of base metals that were never even there.

But sometimes we need our lies. Even the ones we tell ourselves.

Sometimes, those are the ones we need to hold onto most of all.

listen

2010-01-25T15:12:00.000+02:00

What will you do when they start fading?
When the colours begin to blur, and the lights go out?
There are new pictures on your walls now. And you hear different voices everyday.

But somewhere far behind your eyes, the music hasn't changed. No-one can hear the tunes you play, but that doesn't matter. You don't need them.

But you will.
When the music stops.

waiting for amnesia

2010-01-20T21:33:00.002+02:00

Oneday:

I'll look back, and the hurthaze will have cleared.

I'll see the eyes I loved to drown in

(I won't remember the shutters you put up)

The way your smile sounded

(before you stopped calling)

And the peace that radiated from your soul

(until your missing backbone became obvious)

But not this day.

(not yet)

day one

2010-01-01T13:35:00.000+02:00

Make it.

Count.

the point of no return

2009-12-28T18:59:00.001+02:00

it's not the dazzling lights that ignite your long darknesses
the night sky velvety-black perforated with endless shimmering starlight
it's not the depths of the river i walked by
the sea! the sea! my heart's well desires no freshwater
it's not the mechanical sounds of your clockwork efficiency
indications of humanity: conversation is warm, laughter too loud

it's the roots being extracted
it's the heartbeats left behind
it's knowing it's over

it's the million miles between then and now

a lifetime away
i'm home

Time.

2009-12-05T22:01:00.003+02:00

in the end

maybe i just miss us.

all of us. the way things used to be.

simple times. finger-painted dreams.

crying over spilled milk and broken Barbie dolls.

model train sets. remote controlled cars.

the perimeters of our world cut from

paper-heart valentines and the pages of TeenBeat magazine.

maybe i don't like change very much

maybe i just don't like this change

maybe, in the end, i just want what i can't have:

Time

to catch up

with all this growing up

all of us have had to do.

the road

2009-11-29T00:26:00.002+02:00

You may not know this now. You may not want to believe me. But it doesn't matter where you're going. Where you're headed, or in which direction you may drift. It only matters that you are moving. That you are trying. That you still walk on. And that, no matter what, you always will.

the compass

2009-11-18T13:03:00.000+02:00

I lost my way today.

All it took was that splitsecondinstant when you held out the sun, gingerly, in the tips of your fingers, and offered it to me. You fumbled and nearly dropped it, but in that moment, the Light was so blinding I had to blink a few times to clear my eyes. When I could see again, I found that I had strayed a long way from the path, and the sun was back in the sky. But you were gone, and the Darkness was cold and empty.

I'm not afraid of the Dark.

I'll go back.

I'll find you.

in the waiting room

2009-10-28T15:03:00.002+02:00

alone is not lonely

sometimes the silence is warm and loud

and solitude is sought out, treasured.

clouds don't always mean rain

meet me here oneday?

the silence of there

2009-10-20T14:39:00.002+02:00

we sometimes think maybe words can fix us

voices. sounds.

the melody of a penny-whistle
the staccato of crickets, filling up the night
the way these eleven tongues fuse lives in silent song
the minaret's echo as it chimes throughout the land.

but the more we listen, the more we're sure:
words can't fix this. fix us.
words can only fill up space
and distract us from the truth.

what we need now is quiet
the silence of there
that contains more in its ounce of emptiness
than this cup, even when it overflows

cardiopulmonary resuscitation

2009-09-12T02:19:00.003+02:00

So he pulled out a brush and washed a streak of colour across the sky. And in a dark corner, deeply buried, a sad heart caught its light and slowly (thump-thump) began to revive. It grew stronger, and turned tentatively back to face the world; hesitant, delicately fragile, but no longer monochromatic.

Goodbye Neverwhere

2009-09-05T23:25:00.004+02:00

From afar, your walls will be smooth and your streets will be calm. No brightness in your lights; no bass left in your beat. Those sharp edges will soften, eroded by time and space. Until one day, I will forget you. Like you so easily let go of me. Until that day when this life is nothing more than a pretty picture I used to hang on my wall.

strength

2009-09-02T17:52:00.006+02:00

You'll get back up.
You'll hold on.
You'll stand tall.

You'll find it. And you'll overcome. Because when you know, you know.

the imperfections

2009-08-27T00:57:00.005+02:00

In the proverbial pod, sameness prevails.
In the proverbial pod, sameness prevails.

(But if you're lucky, you'll find a pod that's not a proverb, and a pea that isn't perfect. And then you won't need the pod anymore.)

In the proverbial pod, sameness prevails.

light up

2009-08-24T19:21:00.002+02:00

you try so hard to find the light. searching the Globe for what you think you need to see. gathering up stray melting candles and flickering fluorescent bulbs. holding onto them as they slowly fuse out and fade away. but enlightenment can't be borrowed. and it can't be caged away. you'll find the switch when you're ready. but maybe the first step is learning how to change a globe.

on the top step

2009-08-18T19:13:00.003+02:00

When you find the Stairway to your heaven
(sometimes you need help finding the First Step)
you just keep climbing higher and higher
so close
(it does get closer with every step)
Make sure you turn at the Top of the Stair
look back
laugh - for the last (first) time?
And then just leap
because you know the cotton candy clouds will catch you

the song

2009-08-16T15:21:00.002+02:00

hold onto the music of that night. and know. even after the strings of our last guitar have been strummed. even when all our records have their edges worn to threads. and when the last of the coloured lightbulbs has lost its filament heart. know that the beat will still echo. know that those words will mean to me what they meant to us then.

in anticipation of load-shedding

2009-08-14T19:44:00.004+02:00

I'm making a postcard for my memory:

Starry-eyed, child-like wonder. So naive.
Laughter? Yes, there was always laughter. And walking arm-in-arm with friends-who-became-family, my heels keeping pace with their All Stars (just about).
How we laughed.

The lights won't shine this brightly at home.

the real world

2009-08-13T00:37:00.002+02:00

and the games that were our everything once

i don't play them anymore

they got diarised out by urgent phonecalls plane tickets hospital bills work sleepless nights buses meetings emails insurance rent exams coffee taxes screeching sirens

noise

it's too noisy for games now

different shoes, different feet

2009-08-12T23:30:00.003+02:00

You said I didn't understand. So I tried to walk a mile in your shoes. But you know I'm not a stilettos-on-marble-tile kind of girl, and the click of your heels miss-matched my beat. So I gave you back your feet... and walked the other way. But maybe, one day, we'll meet again. On a park bench or a city street, both picking gum off the surfaces of our similarly worn-down soles.

the visitor

2009-08-10T01:27:00.009+02:00

"What is this place we've come to?" she questioned, wonderingly. "Will I find Friends here?"

"Perhaps," you replied. "They will seek you in the Shadow; sometimes you will see them, and sometimes you will not. But always they will be there, searching."

"And what will I say to them?"

"You will know the words," you promised. So she believed, and put away her Fears.

for the noise in my calm, with gratitude

2009-08-07T17:43:00.006+02:00

Oneday you will die. And when you're gone, I'll remember this day, when I wasn't alone and the silence was warmed by your noise. Because the silence from beyond your grave will be too loud, and my heart will shatter before my ear-drums.

fade

2009-08-06T22:08:00.002+02:00

you know that
when i'm with you
the world fades away.
but what you don't know
is that when i'm with you,
even i fade away.
blurring, melting, pixelating
becoming less of what i seem to be
and more of who i am

the dream

2009-08-06T18:34:00.002+02:00

I'd rather remember you here
among the fading multicoloured lights
of a smoke-filled, pulse-pounding dream
where all our songs melted into one
and the DJ let us play on repeat
Because now your feet have forgotten
as they barely tap out a beat
Because at the place you are now gone,
vinyl isn't a life en-circled
and people cheer at 'no smoking' signs

the victory

2009-08-05T21:07:00.003+02:00

at the moment of choosing
i thought you went on alone
without me
but now that i'm strong
i perceive -
it was i who went on
and you were the one standing still

release

2009-08-04T15:27:00.003+02:00

In my heaven, the grass is always freshly cut and the air always smells of summer rain. And there aren't any 'Keep off the lawn' signs.
But we do it anyway.

the break

2009-08-04T14:54:00.000+02:00

i have no more similes for this
no tears like raindrops,
embraces warm as the sun,
whisperings like the wind,
heartbreaks like the sound of thunder.
now you are gone.
and when the sky cracks
the lightning won't make fulgurites
but the rain will drown the world

the mask

2009-08-01T21:40:00.000+02:00

I had to turn away before you stripped away my last willing layer. Because if I permitted you to witness the raw power you exert over my secret soul, some distant day you'll stop using it to entrance my spirit and you will crush me. And I will let you. So I turn away, and exalt in solitude.

the way-out

2009-07-31T17:28:00.000+02:00

Remember the way it felt -- standing still -- with the loud, garish world rushing past you; the ground moving beneath your feet. And remember how it felt to be alone there. Because when you leave the familiar babble will fade, and even your own silence will cease to sound the same.

the ripples

2009-07-31T13:11:00.001+02:00

Tread on light feet
Touch with gentle hands
Know that
Everything you are and do
Ripples into something new

the space inbetween

2009-07-31T12:24:00.000+02:00

But you were too far away to see the lights dancing on my retina. And when you were close enough, the music stopped.